


I Don't Want to be a Mary Sue

by Crouching_SunRose



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-02 11:50:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12726111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crouching_SunRose/pseuds/Crouching_SunRose
Summary: I don't own Torchwood, I don't own Cardiff, and if I owned Googlemaps I'd be a whole lot richer. Still not exactly sure how these disclaimers are supposed to work in a legal sense, but since everyone's doing it, I guess I should too. Hope y'all enjoy. I know I am.





	1. Cardiff, Unexpected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Torchwood, I don't own Cardiff, and if I owned Googlemaps I'd be a whole lot richer. Still not exactly sure how these disclaimers are supposed to work in a legal sense, but since everyone's doing it, I guess I should too. Hope y'all enjoy. I know I am.

Chapter 1 - Cardiff, Unexpected

“Ok Goose, spell your name for me”

“I can spell it!”

“Yes Bit, I know - but I’m asking your brother. Ben?”

Even in the pre-dawn twilight, I could see his grin as he threw himself at me.

“B-E-N, it has a B”

“You got it!” I pulled him close and rocked back and forth while he giggled madly.

Leanna grabbed my sleeve and tugged.

“Mom! The bus is here! Can we go?”

I stood up and picked up Ben’s backpack. I held it up while he slipped his arms through the straps.

“You got your backback, Bit?”

“Yep!”

I took Ben’s hand as we watched the bus pull into the circle drive of the green building, behind the waiting line of cars - sometimes we drove too, but both kids loved the walk, even if it did mean leaving the house at quarter to six.

“Watch out for the fire ant nest” I cautioned Leanna, and she took two steps to the left before finishing her rush down the hill.

“I’m not going to step on the fire ant nest, because fire ants hurt,” boasted Ben proudly.

I let go his hand for just a second to ruffle his hair. 

“I know, Goose, but I was talking to your sister, not you.”

Leanna waited beside the driveway while Ben and I followed, and the brakes of the school bus screeched its final stop.

I dropped to a knee and caught both of them in a quick hug.

“All right, you two, have a good day”

“I will!” Leanna called back, already rushing to join Azzy and Alicia before they got on the bus.

Ben wrapped his arms around my neck and squeezed tight.

“Elch!” I teased, “don’t choke Mama!”

“Sorry” he let go and gave me a sloppy kiss on my cheek. 

“Ben! Come on!” yelled Caden, Azzy’s cousin and Ben’s “best classmate.”

I grinned and pushed him toward the bus.

“Go on, you, Caden’s waiting.”

The two boys grabbed hands and ran to the open door of the bus.

I could just make out the three heads of my girls (well, technically Azzy and Alicia weren’t mine, but they were over at the house often enough, when we weren’t over at theirs) as they parked themselves just behind the driver - who was offering his hand to help Caden make it up without being thrown off balance by the backpack that was nearly as big as he was.

The lights on the other cars in line brightened, and they pulled off one by one. Then the cabin lights in the bus turned off, the whoosh of the air-brake disengaging sounded in my ear, and the bus lurched off.

While it left, I pulled out my phone real quick to check if anyone had been reading since the last chapter I posted. And there was a new review! 

“I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again - I love how you’re writing this! Still can’t believe you wanted to write for Lucy, keep it up!” - happyrea

I felt so lucky that Rea let me use the ‘verse she’d created as a starting point for my own fics. Lucy was the only original character I’d ever read that actually melded within the Torchwood team as if RTD had actually written her alongside the rest. And then every few chapters she (Rea, not Lucy) would throw out some comment that said I was doing a good job, and it made every bit of it worth it! I grinned and did a little happy-dance.

About then, the tail-lights of the school bus disappeared into the distance - it was time to head back to start the day. The dew in the grass had already soaked through my Converse and into my socks. I’d have to take them off once I got home. But not yet. I turned and headed up the hill - making sure not to step on the fire ant hill. It would be pretty embarrassing to have warned the kids about it, only to plow right over it because I wasn’t paying attention. 

Once I got to the top of the hill, though, there weren’t any more hazards, so I was free to start plotting. Obviously when I got home it’d be time to throw a load in the wash and get started on the dishes - but meanwhile I could think out what I’m going to do with the next chapter. 

It was finally time for the fight scene between Ianto and Owen, while the others were stuck back in 1941. This one was going to be tricky. Lucy wasn’t there, since Rea had already written her going back in time with Jack and Tosh - but because Ianto was in love with her now (even though they weren’t admitting it yet), the whole argument where Owen dismisses Ianto’s loyalty to Jack as nothing but “pathetic wet-dreams where you’re his part-time shag” just wouldn’t work anymore. 

Which meant I needed something else for Owen to use - and a much stronger reason for Ianto to still fight to keep the Rift closed, since it now meant that he’d never see his Lu again if he succeeded. 

Instead of making my usual bee-line home, I headed back the long way. Aimless wandering helps when I’m trying to puzzle out a story, especially one like this. 

So why WOULD Ianto want to keep the Rift closed if it meant Jack and Tosh and Lucy would be stuck in the past? I absently ran my hand along the top of the fence of Lucy-the-dog’s enclosure. She whined, and I reached down over the fence. Her cold, wet nose bumped my hand, then her warm, wet tongue did the same.

“Hey, no kisses, darlin’.” Dodging her tongue with my hand, I ruffled her shaggy head. “How you doing there, Lucy-girl?” 

I had reached the corner of the dogyard. 

“You be good, now, ok? I’ll see you this afternoon when I come get the kids.”

She probably didn’t understand anything I said, but she whined what I pretended was a loving goodbye, as I headed back to the woods trail. 

“Ok,” I said out loud. “Owen wants to open the Rift, to get them back. That’s easy. So why…?”

I was puzzling so hard I actually bumped into the brick wall before I noticed it was there.

Wait a second - brick wall? There weren’t any brick walls in the woods…

I looked around. This wasn’t the woods at all! And… it wasn’t dark either. I was in a very narrow space, between two tall brick walls about two feet apart - and quite a bit above my head. I turned and looked behind me - apparently I was between two buildings butted up to each other end to end. 

With no idea what was going on, I just kept walking - but I wasn’t particularly worried about Ianto’s motivations anymore. Not that I’d forgotten, but this mystery was a lot more interesting.

A few seconds later I came out from between the buildings - into a parking lot. 

Wait a second - this was really weird! I knew this place - I knew it pretty well, actually. This was my imaginary flat in Cardiff. The one I used as my reference point, my “home base” whenever I played around in google-maps, trying to get a feel for the city to make my writing more realistic. 

What the HELL had just happened? It was dark, early morning. My shoes were still damp from the dew in the grass. I spun around - as if I could look through the narrow alleyway and see the stand of muscadine grapes I knew I’d been walking past. They’d been ripe and smelling amazing. But of course they weren’t there. I took a deep breath - nope, not even the heady fruit scent lingered. And the sun was quite high in the sky.

And I looked around. I grinned at the Sumac tree that someone had in their front garden. The one bit of flora I’d recognized when I studied the parking lot of this place, trying to fix it in my mind as if I actually lived there. I’d even done a few “round trips” to various locations in the city, starting and ending right here in front of this block of buildings. Until it got more addicting to just ‘fly’ over in satellite mode before ‘landing’ in street view to look around. 

Yes, it had been silly, and even Zack had teased me mercilessly when he’d first found out - but I’d still loved it. Loved being able to watch Torchwood and actually recognize all the locations. Loved pausing at certain frames, studying the background for familiar or distinctive buildings, then cross-referencing the maps until I found a place that exactly matched. 

I still remembered the thrill I’d felt when I’d succeeded for the first time - figuring out exactly where Tosh’s house was. Oh, some of the other detective work I’d done had probably been more impressive - tracking down exactly where in the city Abaddon was stomping around before Jack drowned him with the ‘all you can eat buffet,’ finding the building that John Hart pushed Jack off even though it no longer housed the British Gas Company, as the director had referenced in the ‘making of’ video. But Tosh’s house was the first, so somehow it was more special. 

Oh hell - I still had no idea what was going on - but I was in Cardiff! I could find the water tower, sit on the paving stone they used as the location for the invisible lift. I could actually see what the Plass looks like - the street view cameras never did make it through the bay, so I’d never had the chance to really explore, just the handful of spots where tourists had uploaded their 360 degree pics. 

I don’t care that this is impossible, I’ll figure out how the hell this happened later - right now? I’m going exploring!


	2. Torchwood

When I chose my ‘imaginary flat,’ I picked one that would be in easy walking distance of the bay, of the Plas. All I had to do was walk out of the car park (if I’m in Wales, I get to use my Brit-speak that I’ve been building up throughout the last few years of writing fanfiction, so ‘carpark’ instead of ‘parking lot’), turn right, and once I left the flat-complex (is that what they call it, anyway? I’d never encountered the term - maybe there wasn’t one. WERE these even ‘flats,’ or were they just ‘houses’?) all I had to do was head down behind the Mermaid Quay shopping complex and turn left onto the Bay. Which I’d never gotten to do before!

At the curve where New George Street turned into Stuart Street, I stopped for just a second to look at the signposts sticking up. These were blue instead of black with white arrow-tips, but otherwise they reminded me of the ones at key intersections at home - showing tourists which direction you’d take to eventually get to Rock City or Ruby Falls or Point Park. I grinned and reached up - it felt like touching a piece of home on the other side of the ocean.

Of course it was different from the streetview picture I’d learned the city from. The “Doctor Who Experience” arrow was gone, the order now going “Visitor Centre (Canolfan Ymwelwyr)”, “Wales Millennium Centre (Canolfan Miliniwn Cymru)”, “Roald Dalh Plas (Plas Roald Dahl)” etc. It really stunk that they’d shut the Doctor Who Experience down just because the lease expired. 

That was the difference between the Americans and the Brits, I guessed. Americans would keep something like that open as long as there was anyone who would come and spend money. Brits wouldn’t. Then again, Americans also ran all our tv series into the ground as long as there was an audience, and the Brits would tell a story, and then stop once it’s told. So six one way, half dozen the other. It still made me sad that I missed it - but on the other hand, it wasn’t like I had any money on me to get a ticket anyway.

I shrugged, then I turned left towards the Bay. This - oh, this would be awesome. I grinned - taking this route, the first ‘fan location’ I’d see would be Ianto Jones Shrine. Funny how Ianto’s Shrine was still there, even though the much more historically fascinating Doctor Who Experience was gone - then again, the Shrine had grown up organically. And it’s not like I didn’t love Ianto too. After all, I did choose to make my fanfic from his POV.

I hurried to the railing. I’d go down and read all the papers in a minute, but I wanted to get this first view from above - the closest match to the street-view image I’d studied fruitlessly. I leaned over the rail…

The shrine was gone. There was nothing but a wooden wall with a door in the middle. A door with an abnormally high doorknob, and newspaper pasted up in the window to block the view. While I looked - the door opened.

The door opened, and out came Jack, Owen, Tosh and Gwen. 

There weren’t any cameras, no crew, no director - no makeup artists or grips. No lighting but the sun… It was just Jack, and Owen, and Tosh, and Gwen. 

Their voices drifted up.

“I still don’t see why we couldn’t just take the SUV” Owen was grumbling. “We don’t know what’s come through, and I don’t really fancy having to come all the way back here to get whatever gear we might need.”

“Come on, Owen, do you even know where Louisa Place is?” Tosh jumped in. “The SUV is twice as far from away anyway.”

“Well all I’m saying is, I’d rather have everything we need right there instead of blocks away.”

They kept going in the direction of the Plas, voices fading blowing away in the wind.

Louisa place. My imaginary flat - they must be heading out to investigate… well… me.

Even if I’d wanted to say something when they passed below, I couldn’t have moved, I was… I was frozen. No way. Those weren’t the actors - those were all older now, different hair-styles, more age lines. This was… no. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be. That would mean...Torchwood was real here?

No. That couldn’t be. Could it? Then again, I shouldn’t be here anyway. If Torchwood was real, and therefore the Rift was real (and able to steal people from other dimensions), it was as good an explanation as any for how I’d gotten here, and made a lot more sense than just about anything else I could have thought up.

I just saw Jack Harkness and the rest of them. Not John Barrowman, not Eve Miles or Burn Gorman or Naoko Mori - Jack Harkness and the rest of Team Torchwood. No. Not gonna fangirl - no. that’s just… embarrassing. No. There’s no reason I should even meet them, is there? I don’t want to look like an idiot in front of…

But...maybe they could help get me back home. Could they? 

No, of course not. Every fanfiction I’ve ever read where someone came through from our world (the world where Torchwood is just a ‘show on the telly’) made it clear that there was no way home - otherwise, why would anyone from our world stay somewhere so dangerous?

Oh crap. Oh crap! Have I really fallen into THAT sort of story? Shit no! 

I love Lucy, really, I do. She’s a great character, and she fits with the team just as well as if she’d been written in from the start. But even Lu changed things, even Lu kind of snuck a bit of extra spotlight - having Ianto fall in love with her instead of Jack, becoming the second in command of the whole organization so that by the end she was basically the boss of the whole team but Jack… And that’s Lucy. Most of the time ‘one of us’ ended up in the Torchwood verse - she became a Mary Sue. 

Mary Sue. Adored by the Doctor, hired into Torchwood for no reason but ‘being special,’ having Jack open up about things he’d never even tell Ianto in canon unless he had to, ripping into Gwen (the fan unfavorite character), saving the day with her advanced knowledge, lauded as a hero, best sharp-shooter on the team, able to run circles around Tosh technologically, probably saves Owen’s life with an emergency surgery… The only thing most of them were missing was exotic purple eyes and a beautifully tragic death scene.

No. Not gonna do it. Nope. No way. I am NOT going to be a Mary Sue. I’m going to go explore Cardiff, find a job, and make a nice life for myself away from the temptation to make myself special. Or, no - I’m going to explore Cardiff, then get on a plane and go back home to my husband and kids. In 2017. 

It’s not 2017 yet is it? Of course not. Owen and Tosh still alive? I must have jumped back almost a decade. Crap. And if Torchwood’s real, who’s to even say that Zack or the kids even exist in this dimension? I mean, the kids don’t, obviously, Zack and I weren’t even engaged. Which means, I need help to get home. Shit. And the best chance of doing that is through Torchwood. Damn it.

I really should just go down. Down to the Tourist Office. Just go on down, either talk to Ianto if he’s there, or wait for Jack and them if he’s not. But - I don’t want to. I mean, I do, but… I’m scared. I don’t want to make an idiot of myself, and I don’t really want… I don’t want to BE Torchwood. Act in it? Yes. Write for it? Absolutely! But did I really want to meet my heros? I don’t know. But I do know that I REALLY don’t want to be THAT character. 

What am I supposed to do now?


	3. Decisions

Chapter 3 - decisions

The air was fresh and cool and damp, and there were so many different smells on the wind. No photograph on the internet, not even the 360 degree streetview pictures that let you pretend you knew what it was like to actually stand there in the middle of a given city could ever capture the feel of having been transported somewhere entirely different. 

I closed my eyes and just breathed in the salt air - so different from the calm clarity of the Mountain. I wouldn’t be going anywhere else any time soon, might as well give myself at least a few minutes to just BE. It even worked - briefly. Deep, calm breathing - in through the nose, out through the mouth. Settle, focus. I remembered how proud I was the first time that Leanna stopped herself from having a meltdown by stopping and focusing on her breathing, as I’d taught her to do. No matter how insane the crisis, panicking never helped.

“I love you, Bit. I hope you’re ok.”

She’d be fine, that wasn’t really even a question. Someone would make sure that they were taken care of while I was gone. I had to believe that, and I did. But that didn’t mean that it wasn’t my job to do my best to figure out how to get home. And that meant talking to Torchwood. 

It wasn’t even that I didn’t want to - not really. Just… I knew what happened. Every fanfic I’d ever read went the same way when someone from our world fell through the Rift. And they did, because it’s what made the most sense. After all, if you know what’s going to happen, they’re going to want to keep you close - either so you can warn them and change the shit, or else so you can keep the timelines on track. 

Besides, Torchwood is such a secret, that’s why they invented Retcon - so that there aren’t all these people running around able to talk about it. But in a single image can break the Retcon, and someone has spent years of their life associating the whole city of Cardiff with this secret organization, they really wouldn’t have much chance to contain it. Unless, of course, you keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Shoot, that’s what I’d had Ianto tell Jack as his excuse for offering Lucy his spare bedroom. 

But I didn’t want to work for Torchwood. I’m a writer, not a field agent. Yeah, I tried that volunteer firefighter thing for a few years after college, and it wasn’t bad - until I decided to go all out and join a paid department. And I realized that wasn’t what I wanted. After that, I walked away even from my volunteer department. And we were such a small department, we never even lost anyone - inside or out. Though I had been to more than one funeral, read enough stories of Line Of Duty Deaths that hit too close to home…

That’s not me. Not anymore. Well, never really was in the first place. I only joined because I thought I’d find a family. You know, like in the stories. Tight knit teams of close friends who depend on each other for their lives. In real life, those bonds don’t form unless you’re the kind of person people actually trust in the first place. “I actually know secrets about you that you’d never tell anyone we work with, and I got them without you even knowing who I am” isn’t exactly going to help with that.

Even as all those thoughts raced madly around my mind, I kept breathing. In, out. In - out. Boil it down. What do I want? What do I do? The little white Norwegian church across the bay, the BBC studios behind it - or were they? In this universe, obviously the BBC would still exist, but was BBC Drama based in Cardiff? Oh well, didn’t matter. 

Although - if I WAS stuck here, it might be kind of fun to see if I could be an extra, or even try to write for one of the shows they did film. Of course i didn’t have a work visa, or… oh shit. I don’t even have my passport, or any sort of ID. My wallet stayed in my bag at home, and I never did bother to lug it around unless I was out. 

I pulled back from the rail, checked my pockets. Still had my phone, but no signal whatsoever. I checked what I was wearing. Watershoes? Really? But then I’d only been going to the bus. I guess I should be glad I’d bothered to put on something besides the ratty sweats that doubled as night clothes. But this wouldn’t do for any length of real time. Hell, I had on a Duck Dynasty t-shirt that had Si Robertson’s face staring goggly-eyed out of it. Was Duck Dynasty even out yet? 

Oh well, again it could have been worse. It could have been David Tennant’s face. And since he didn’t exist in this universe (did he? Well, even if he did, he couldn’t possibly have been as famous or it would have come up), but looked exactly like the Tenth Doctor…

Ok, Jamie, let’s get back in gear. Focus. 

I took one more deep breath - this time I just inhaled, not bothering to filter through the nose. Now that I had a pretty good idea what I was actually going to do, it was really time to just get it over with - get the ball rolling, get the help you actually need to figure out what to do next.

There was a stair-case, leading down to the boardwalk on the bay. The one that led to the Shrine, at least on the maps I was used to. That led to the tourist office, the front entrance to Torchwood. They weren’t back yet, but Ianto hadn’t been with them - surely he would be inside, right?

I remembered my first job interview. The first time I stepped onto a stage for a piano recital that wasn’t in my teacher’s living room. My first day of college classes after a lifetime being homeschooled. I remembered the first time I’d gone into a boss’s office to turn in my notice, the time I’d boarded a train to Los Angeles with everything I owned in my luggage. The day I’d brought Zack home to meet my parents - the day he asked their blessing on our marriage.

One foot in front of the other, hand on the handrail, keep on breathing deeply. The noises I’d been tuning out - hundreds of tourists wandering around the bay, coffee patrons buying their chosen brew… it faded away. I felt divorced from my own body, the entire world contracting to nothing but the inaudible roar between my ears and the tightness in my chest. 

At the foot of the steps, I turned. Walked along the steps. The same door that Jack had come out, to be met with Ianto’s coffee while he was pestering him for a job. The wall and door that Gwen faced while clinging to those two boxes of pizza. I kept walking. 

Newspaper plastering the window. Margaret Blaine’s face not quite hidden behind the hand she held out to the camera, the headline reading New Mayor, New Cardiff. A memory - the Ninth Doctor holding up the newspaper he’d stolen from a fellow diner, complaining “and I was having such a nice day.” 

I reached out - the doorknob quite a bit higher than the ones I’m used to at home. The door swung in. I should have been expecting the drop - didn’t Gwen stumble in on her first visit? I looked around, heart still clutching in my chest. No one was here. I closed my eyes. 

“Damn.”

There was a slight rustle from my left.

“Can I help you?”

Ianto Jones came out from behind the beaded curtain.

I pasted a “retail smile” on my face - the nervous one I wore when dealing with creditors and anyone who could chew me out for doing something wrong, instead of the comfortable one I wore when I was the one behind the register.

“Yes! I mean, um. I hope so.”

I looked around - now that I was here, I really didn’t know how to start. I took another deep breath.

“Would you like a map? Directions to the castle? Have you been separated from your friends? Are you wondering where the loo is?”

I grinned and laughed. 

“Those the ones you get most of the time?”

“Mostly, yes.”

“Thought so. I’ve worked in hospitality too. But no, none of those.”

He looked steadily at me - probably taking in everything and even drawing conclusions, though he didn’t give anything away. But then I always knew Ianto had perfected the professional mask.

“The thing is, um… I’m not sure why I’m in Cardiff.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t think I can help you with that one.”

“No, I mean - I WASN’T in Cardiff. Not this morning. I dropped the kids off at the bus stop, and then… and then I was here.”

“Do you have a history of epilepsy? Should I call a doctor for you?”

He looked a little alarmed, and i suddenly realized that it almost sounded like I was complaining about blackouts or something.

“No, I mean it’s nothing like that. I mean - this morning, like half an hour ago, I was at home. Or, you know, almost there. At home. In America. And now I’m in Cardiff, and I’m not sure why.”

“One minute.”

He reached across his desk, and picked up the bluetooth headset I remembered so well. He stepped back behind the curtain as he put the thing in his ear.

“Jack?...You’ve not found what came through, have you?... because I’m fairly sure it’s standing in the tourist office right now...Human... Woman.... Reasonably contemporary I think, but I’ve not had the chance to question her yet...very well.”

It really wasn’t eavesdropping, was it? I mean, was it? The brochure for Cardiff Castle really was beautiful - not that I actually retained any of what I saw in it. 

He came back out behind the desk. Waited politely, silently for me to finish what I was looking at. I didn’t want to. Now that it came to it - well, I wasn’t any less nervous than before. But no matter how professionally he stood there, the gift shop cashier I used to be couldn’t keep leaving it so awkward. I looked up.

“I’ve spoken with my manager. He should be here soon, hopefully he’ll be able to help you.”

I smiled - what do you know? Working in retail did teach you how to act - or at least how to keep things moving even when you were disoriented.

“Ok, well. Um, since I’m here, I mean, since we’re waiting… what’s your favorite thing about Cardiff?”

It had to be better than standing awkwardly, right?


	4. Meeting the Team

Chapter 4 - Meeting the Team

“So you slipped away from your school group and they left without you?”

The stories Ianto could tell about Cardiff Castle and other landmarks were a LOT more interesting than anything I’d ever read on Wikipedia. Almost as much fun as the stories I used to tell tourists at Rock City about meeting my husband when I was going backwards through the Fat Man’s Squeeze during a crowded weekend.

“We were rather a large group.”

“There’s still no excuse, I hope your teacher got a reprimand - what made you wander off?”

Ianto smirked and took a sip of coffee.

“It’s the tunnels. I’ve always been quite fond of tunnels.”

I grinned, taking a drink from my own mug - I’m not a coffee drinker, but Ianto’s coffee is so famous that I just had to accept when he offered. It still tasted like coffee, but it was actually surprisingly ok.

The door slammed open, and Jack stormed into the tourist office, Owen behind him. Owen stepped to the side, while Jack looked around the tourist office, and gave me a once over.

“All right, you! With me. Ianto?”

He looked at Ianto and jerked his head toward the section of wall that I wasn’t supposed to know was the secret entrance to the Hub.

“Where are you taking her?”

Jack loomed closer, blocking the way to the door.

“The cells, of course.”

“Why? Is she dangerous?”

The door opened again, this time Gwen and Tosh came through.

“She comes through the Rift, avoids capture and then finds her way to the entrance of the only secret alien hunting base in the city? Call me paranoid, but that sounds pretty suspicious to me.”

Ianto breathed a deep sigh and shook his head.

“Jack, this is a visitor center. There are signs. She was lost in a strange city and decided to follow them.”

“That’s what I would do” Tosh broke in from the corner that Owen had retreated to.

“I don’t trust her.” Jack commented, stubbornly.

“Jack,” Gwen reached out and put a hand on his arm. “She’s not Fae. I know you’re upset about Estelle…”

“And what the HELL does that have to do with anything?” Jack interrupted her.

“You gave away a kid.” Owen stepped around Jack and faced him - standing right beside me, it felt a little odd “So quite frankly, I don’t think we trust your judgment right now.”

Jack looked around - his entire team glaring at him. It was INCREDIBLY awkward being stuck in the middle of this level of conflict - I definitely didn’t want to get involved, even if it WAS all over me in the first place.

“Fine!” Jack exploded, turning and yanking the door open. “Owen, medical exam - if she’s had so much as the Aldebaran flu I want to know about it, and take her to a quarantine room to do it. Tosh, figure out where the hell she’s come from and when - I want to know if she’s come through space, time, dimensions, other planets… find out! Gwen? Ianto? - do whatever the fuck you want - you don’t trust my judgment? Fine. This one’s on you. ALL of you.”

He stormed out the door and slammed it behind him before anyone could react.

There was stunned silence. 

Well, it wasn’t quite silence. There was a faint clicking as the beaded curtain swayed, individual strands bumping into each other. The outer door had bounced after Jack had slammed it shut, and there was a slight squeak as it slowly drifted back and forth on its hinges. The computer on Ianto’s desk hummed quietly - and the kettle that he had put on just before Jack and the others had arrived was bubbling cheerily. 

But with five people in a small room, it was deathly still.

Although at first everyone stared at the door where Jack had made his dramatic exit, it wasn’t long before every eye (but mine, of course) was on me. 

Finally Gwen broke the silence.

“I’m not sure what you must think of us after that.”

I couldn’t tell them that I actually wasn’t that surprised - that as soon as Gwen had mentioned Estelle I’d understood completely why Jack would be unstable, especially about the unknown. 

I settled for a lame joke.

“I guess he was being the Bad Cop?”

Ianto smirked - and I wondered briefly whether he and Jack begun their “innovative dabbling” - though I was pretty sure that wasn’t really established canon until They Keep Killing Suzie. 

Gwen smiled sadly.

“He’s had a hard week. He lost a close friend of his two days ago.”

“Don’t defend him, Gwen,” Owen broke in bluntly. “The situations aren’t remotely similar, and if you recall, he still didn’t have to go giving that kid to those monsters.”

“Owen,” Tosh spoke quietly but firmly “This isn’t helping.”

“Well, neither is going on and on about how Jack doesn’t have to behave like a decent human being because some old lady he was friends with kicked the bucket.”

“He loved her!” Gwen shot back, “she wasn’t just some old lady to him…”

“Is this REALLY the time?”

I hadn’t realized Tosh had it in her, to silence the entire room nearly as effectively as Jack himself had.

“We do have a guest.” Ianto pointed out into the silence. “Perhaps we should be addressing her needs, not squabbling amongst ourselves.”

Gwen finally stopped glaring at Owen and actually turned to look at me.

She smiled again apologetically.

“I’m sorry. Maybe we should start this again. I’m Gwen, this is Owen and Toshiko, and I think you’ve already met Ianto?”

I nodded. I didn’t feel the slightest urge to jump in and take over.

“Do you have any idea what’s happened?” Tosh asked.

“Not really, no.” I shrugged. “I was walking home from the bus stop, then I was between two buildings and came out in front of my imaginary flat in Cardiff.”

“Excuse me” Owen broke in “you have an imaginary flat? What does that even mean?”

I felt my cheeks heat up.

“I know, it’s kind of stupid. But I kind of like to pretend I live in Cardiff, and go exploring. In googlemaps, I mean.”

“Googlemaps?” Owen sounded incredulous. “What’s googlemaps?”

Tosh answered before I had the chance to even gather my thoughts. 

“It’s an internet-based satellite mapping protocol, featuring street maps most of the United States, Puerto Rico, Canada, the U.K., Japan, and some cities of the Republic of Ireland.”

“So you study maps of Cardiff?” 

“Well, I mean, I use street view and the satellite images. It’s fun.”

“But they only just launched street view a couple months ago.” Tosh sounded puzzled. “And only for a handful of major cities in the United States.”

“Oh.” I’d almost forgotten. “Um, what… what year is it?”

Gwen and Owen looked uncertainly at each other, Ianto closed his eyes, and Tosh’s eyes brightened as if she suddenly understood something.

“It’s two thousand seven. You didn’t know that?”

I shook my head.

“This morning, before I came here, it was twenty-seventeen.”

Ianto’s eyes widened. 

“Jack did say something about time travel.”

“No, wait” Owen broke in again.

“See, what I don’t understand is, even if you’re from the future - why would anyone even want to study Cardiff?”

“You mean because Wales is the Alabama of the U.K.?”

“Well, I don’t know much about your different states, but if you mean it’s the backside of the middle of nowhere, then yeah, that’s what I mean.”

I thought quickly. I couldn’t tell them about Torchwood, about being a fanfiction writer. But the easiest lie is the one that’s mostly true. 

“There’s a TV show. It’s popular on both sides of the pond.”

I thought about the novel I was trying to plot out - something I could legally make money off of, but it was still in the planning stages and mostly just a fanfic of Torchwood only with names changed.

“It’s called Excalibur, about a group of misfits based in Cardiff who fight crime and keep the world safe from the scum of the galaxy.”

This time it was Gwen’s eyes that lit up.

“You mean there’s going to be a show on the telly about us? That people are going to watch - when do they start filming, maybe we can be in it!”

“Oh come on Gwen, like anyone in telly would want to work with us!” 

“Owen! Come on, I just want to know.”

Crap. I couldn’t tell them… 

wait, Jack had said something about different dimensions - and the name of the main character wasn’t ACTUALLY the name of the series, no matter how many people got it mixed up. If I didn’t actually spoil any of the plot I could probably get away with it AND tip them off I’m not from here without spilling what I didn’t want them to know.

“Well, I’m not quite sure. I mean, the whole thing was out before I started watching it. It might even be on now...”

“Tosh,” Gwen interrupted me, “can you find out?”

“Actually,” Ianto broke in, from where he leaned over his desktop computer “I’ve already taken the liberty. There is no such show, either on the air or in production.”

“Well, what I was going to say - To…Excalibur was a spinoff of a long-running British sci-fi staple. Any of you guys know about Doctor Who?”


	5. Doctor...who?

Chapter 5 - Doctor...who?

“Any of you guys know about Doctor Who?”

They stared at me, blankly.

“Doctor who?” Gwen asked. “Who’s doctor who?”

No one answered her - not that I’d expected anyone to, the fact that Torchwood existed in real life was a pretty big clue that there was no such show on the telly. Even so, it was really surreal. It happened, of course, but even though I had a lot of friends who weren’t Whovians, in the nerd circles I ran in it was REALLY rare to meet someone who’d never even heard of the show. And of course now I wasn’t just in Great Britain, but in Cardiff, Wales - the headquarters of nuWho.

I looked around at the four blank faces.

“None of you have heard of it?”

They all looked around at each other, and shook their heads silently.

I sighed.

“Well, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.”

Tosh grinned at me, stood on the balls of her feet and clicked the heels of her boots together.

“There’s no place like home?” 

I laughed. 

“Good to know there’s some overlap.”

“What are you talking about?” Owen broke in.

“It’s a reference to the Wizard of Oz.” Tosh began to explain, when Owen interrupted her.

“Yeah, surprisingly, I got that bit. What I’m saying is - what’s all this about SOME overlap?”

I smiled, sadly. I hadn’t even thought about how weird it would be, to not have anyone I could ramble on to about Doctor Who or Torchwood, while living in a universe where they really existed.

“Well, I mean, you guys are British.”

“Got that. Your point?”

“What I mean is, where I come from, at least in 2007, you could find Americans who’d never heard of Doctor Who. I mean, the reboot didn’t come out until ‘05, and classic Who only aired on PBS, which most people didn’t watch except to keep the kids occupied with Mr. Rogers and Reading Rainbow and stuff. But that wasn’t true over here. I mean, Doctor Who is such an integral part of British culture that the TARDIS is as much a symbol of Britishness as the Union Flag itself.”

Oops. I was rambling. And I DEFINITELY didn’t mean to mention the TARDIS. Had any of them heard of it? Maybe Ianto had, but surely it was usually just called a “blue box” by anyone who wasn’t a Companion? This was a lot harder than I thought. 

At least they all just had the slightly bored look that I’d come to recognize whenever I forgot myself and geeked out to someone about one of my fandoms when they didn’t have the slightest interest in even knowing what I was talking about.

“I’m sorry, I’m boring you guys, aren’t I? All I mean is, it’s a long running sci fi show, been going since 1963 - so if none of you guys have heard of it than I think maybe it’s probably a bit more than time travel going on here.”

“Right.” Owen grumbled. “Anything else we should be doing now? Like something relevant maybe?”

“Owen!” Tosh scolded him. “It’s actually very relevant - if we’ve never heard of a show that’s everywhere in her world it means she’s from another dimension and that’s fasc…”

“Boring.” Owen interrupted. “I think the word you’re looking for is boring. And we still don’t know why anyone would bother studying Cardiff.”

He looked at me intensely.

I don’t know if I was actually blushing, but my face felt like I always imagine it would if I did.

“Well, um… I kind of write fanfiction.”

Tosh’s eyes lit up.

“What do you write? Could we read any of it?”

“Oh I’d love that!” I blurted out before I could think. Then I realized.

“Crap.”

“What?” Tosh asked, still intensely interested.

“Well, I mean - no one I’ve ever talked to ever gets around to reading it - only it’s in the cloud, not actually ON my phone. And, I don’t think my cloud came through the Rift.”

Not to mention, if it had, I still couldn’t let them read it since it was all about Torchwood.

“Well, what do you write about? Maybe you could rewrite some of it while you’re here.”

That actually wasn’t such a bad idea - though of course I’d have to change the names or they’d figure it out.

“Well, I mostly write Excali fics. I guess if Excali isn’t a show, there wouldn’t be anywhere I could post them - I mean, half the fun is sharing a new take on a story everyone already knows.”

“Excali? That’s the show about Cardiff in your world?” Gwen asked, eagerly.

“Yeah. I’ve done about half of two novel-length fics, both of them plotted out as far as the end of the show as aired. And I kind of like getting the geography right, hence the googlemaps thing”

“Whatever.” Owen broke in. “I’m sure you can talk about your little fanfiction shit all day, but how about right now we do something that matters - like maybe that medical exam Jack ordered?”

Tosh looked at me apologetically, and I laughed.

“It’s all right, Tosh. I’m a nerd. I’m used to people tuning me out. I mean, at least Owen’s honest about it.”

“Are you sure? It’s still quite rude.” She glared at him pointedly, and I couldn’t help enjoying seeing her stand up to him - even if she never would on her own behalf. 

Owen just looked over at Ianto.

“Open up that door, will you? I’m not doing a medical exam up here where just anyone could walk in.”

The door whooshed open, as smoothly as if we were on the Enterprise. 

Gwen stepped through, and Owen moved in that direction as well, but Tosh didn’t move, just looked at me.  
“Can we talk later?” she asked, sounding rather eager. “Anything you could tell me would be so helpful in solving this puzzle!”

“Oh, so I’m just a puzzle to you?” I teased, using my best ‘pouty, puppydog voice’ - the one that always had Zack break down in hysterics. Damn I missed him. This wasn’t the time though.

“No, no! Of course not!” She seemed genuinely alarmed, afraid she’d offended me somehow.

“Don’t worry Tosh, I’m just teasing. Of course we can talk.”

Owen huffed behind me. I rolled my eyes, but headed toward the door.

“Though I guess I should probably go with Owen first - let him make sure I don’t have Aldebaran Flu or whatever that is… although isn’t that from Star Wars?”

The door shut behind us - I guessed Ianto was going to stay up in his office for a while longer.

“You’re thinking about Alderaan.” Owen almost smiled, though it sounded more triumphant than friendly. “Aldebaran is a star - though why Jack thinks you’d catch the flu there is beyond me.”

Tosh looked at Owen in surprise.

“What?” he held his hands up defensively. 

She pressed her lips together but couldn’t quite hide the giggle.

“I just never thought that you were a nerd…” she broke off and pursed her lips again.

Owen rolled his eyes. The lift doors opened - apparently just coming back from dropping Gwen off. He stepped into the lift and turned around.

“Coming?”

I found myself sharing an amused glance with Tosh, before we stepped in.


	6. Bored Meeting

Chapter 6 - Bored Meeting  
(alternate title: Owen's a Jerk)

The medical exam went a lot quicker than I expected. Owen took a blood sample, ran some sort of scanner up and down, looked at the results, frowned and walked out.

I sat on the autopsy table, looked around at all the props I recognized so well, only to realize that now they weren’t props - and waited. I could hear Owen talking quietly, and someone who sounded like Tosh answering back, but I couldn’t make out any words - Then Owen called out across the Hub.

“Team meeting, get your arses to the boardroom!”

I started to settle in for a long wait. Who knows how long they’d be talking before they figured out what to do with me. I hoped they’d let me know sometime soon - I was getting tired, and I didn’t want to just fall asleep in public during the day. I’d learned in college that someone doing that made it pretty awkward for the people who actually belonged in that space.

“Oi! Aren’t you coming?”

I jumped and turned. Owen was leaning into the autopsy bay, and he was talking to me.

“Oh! You mean… you want me there”

He rolled his eyes toward the ceiling.

“Well, considering the whole thing is about what the hell we’re supposed to do with you, I assumed you’d know… yes, you need to be there.”

“I’m… I’m, sorry, I just… I thought…”

He rolled his eyes again and cut me off.

“Just get your arse to the boardroom like everyone else. We don’t have all day.”

He was gone before I could think of a fitting retort. Not that it would have mattered, I wasn’t exactly fluent in sarcasm. When you’ve got kids paying attention to every word you say, it doesn’t pay to be. Besides, Ianto’s dry wit was more my style.

Right. Watch me suck at that too - I never was very witty under pressure.

But that wasn’t going to get me to the board meeting on time. 

I hopped off the autopsy table, up the autopsy bay stairs, past Jack’s office, past the armory to the other stairs, and up to the catwalk that led to the boardroom.

Everyone was there but Jack. Owen sat at the head of the table, Ianto walked around like the butler he so flawlessly imitated passing out coffee, and Tosh and Gwen sat on opposite sides of the table. 

Ianto wordlessly handed me one of the last two mugs, and indicated the seat across from Tosh, between Gwen and Owen. He stepped around the table, and slid into the seat opposite Gwen. 

“Ok, so, meeting to figure out what to do with our latest Rift Gift is open.”

“Excuse me, Ianto, who called the meeting?”

“Very well, Owen - the floor is yours.”

“Right.” Owen rapped awkwardly on the table with his knuckles, and looked around at everyone. No one said anything.

“Oh bollocks, I don’t know how to run a meeting.”

Tosh gathered her papers into a neat stack and pulled out a clipboard and pen, when Owen turned to Gwen.

“Gwen, didn’t they do this sort of thing in the police? Why don’t you take over.”

Tosh’s face fell, but it didn’t look like Owen noticed.

“I wouldn’t know where to begin” Gwen pointed out. “What would Jack do, anyway?”

“Doesn’t matter what Jack would do - Jack doesn’t want to be involved, so we’re going to do this our way instead of Jack’s way.”

“We haven’t done introductions.” Ianto pointed out, calmly.

“Yes we have” Gwen argued. “Earlier, in the tourist office.”

“No,” Ianto pointed out. “You gave her our names - Owen was more interested in the question of an imaginary flat than in allowing her to reciprocate.”

Great. Now every eye was on me. 

“O-kay. Um, I’m Jamie, and I guess I’m a Rift Refugee.”

I waited for a chorus of “Hi Jamie,” but nope. They just watched me, waiting for me to say more.

“Sorry, that was… that was real lame, I was just pretending, you know? Rift Refugees Anonymous or something?”

I’d never make it as a comedienne. Never. Now I understood what they meant when they talked about ‘dying’ on stage. Not that I was on stage, or…shit, I didn’t want to do this.

“Tosh?” 

She looked up, startled I’d addressed her. 

“Did you find out anything? I mean, while Owen was doing the poking and prodding?”

Please Tosh, help me out here! I’m not handling the pressure of everyone just watching me, and I don’t think anyone else is going to come to the rescue.

“Oh, um, well.” She looked down at her notes, then back up at me.

“I did notice that there was a unique energy signature at the time of this morning’s Rift spike, one I haven’t noticed before with other Rift spikes.”

“What does that mean?” 

I forgot to be embarrassed, now I was just curious.

“Well, when the Rift opens, there’s an energy spike that our equipment can pick up - mostly it’s just an increase of Rift energy, but it doesn’t always look the same. I always assumed it was just a natural variation but today the variation was a lot higher, and it matches the readings that Owen’s exam picked up on. That might mean that if we can collect enough data points, we might be able to figure out a way to program the Rift manipulator well enough to send you home!”

They might be able to send me home? I could get back to Leanna and Ben, to Zack and the critters? But… this never actually happened in any fic I’d ever read! I’d been resigned to being stuck here, years before my kids were even born. Of course the angst of being separated from my family would make it a good, interesting story - and I was addicted to story, why else would I write fanfiction in the first place? 

Even though I knew I was supposed to want to go home, I was actually a bit disappointed. Which is stupid, but I kind of was. Just a taste, getting to actually live the stories I loved to write - and then having to go home? It was like being an extra for one day on a tv show, remembering how much I love to be on set, and then never being able to get the childcare to do it again again. Having the taste and losing it right away actually hurt.

Suddenly there was a sharp poke in my arm.

I startled and looked over at Gwen.

“What was that for?”

“You sort of, I don’t know, zoned out.”

“Oh, sorry. What did I miss?”

“We were trying to figure out where you could stay until we find a way for you to go home.”

“The snit Jack’s in right now means you probably shouldn’t stay here,” Owen started

“But at the same time,” Tosh broke in, “it wouldn’t be fair for us to throw you out on the streets to fend for yourself.”

“Besides,” Owen jumped in again “if you got hurt, you couldn’t go to a normal hospital, you’d set up all sorts of red flags and probably get taken into custody by UNIT or one of those ‘protect the earth from aliens’ groups. Your body is just too different.”

“How? What’s different?”

“Well, I haven’t had the chance to check your bloodwork yet, but from what the scans show, the electrical impulses in your nervous system have a different energy signal than the ones we use, your rate of respiration is abnormally low, and your skeletal system is… well, you’ve heard of adamantium?”

“Adamantium. So, what? You’re saying I’m Wolverine?”

“Actually,” Tosh pointed out “Wolverine had an abnormally effective healing factor - the adamantium skeleton was externally…”

“Yes Tosh, we get it. You’re a nerd. Shut up.”

It was like Tosh just retreated into herself. I had never in my life wanted to punch someone as badly as I wanted to punch Owen. Not even Sara Davis when I was nine years old - and with her I actually did. I’d been grounded for a month, and it hadn’t really changed anything in our relationship, so I’d never hit anyone again, but…

“Owen!”

At least Gwen came to her defense.

“What? Can’t I have a joke with my teammates?”

I didn’t mean to, but once you start, it’s either keep going, or stop and make it a thousand times more awkward.

“Owen, you’re a dick. But since everyone knows you don’t do apologies, can we just get on with figuring out what you’re going to do with me?”

They all looked around awkwardly. There was one more thing. I turned to Tosh.

“By the way, Tosh? Nerds are the most awesome people on the planet, and if Owen’s too much of an idiot to see that… well, his loss, bless his heart.”

“Bless his heart?” Gwen asked, chuckling.

I grinned. 

“Oh, you Brits have nothing on the passive-aggressiveness of the American South. ‘Bless his heart’ sounds sweet and affectionate, but it usually means you think the person is dumb as a brick.”

Owen sulked, Gwen laughed and even Ianto smirked in amusement. Only Tosh hadn’t reacted. I doubted she’d even heard me. I was beginning to wish that I’d actually learned how to properly throw a punch when Gwen broke in my thoughts.

“So, Jamie - it’s Jamie, right?”

“Yeah, Jamie Fletcher.”

“Anyway, I thought maybe you might want to come stay with me, just until we figure out how to make the Rift work right?”

Stay with Gwen. She couldn’t possibly be as bad as the fans all seemed to think, and it might be really interesting to get to know her better. Only…

“Wouldn’t your boyfriend have a problem with that?”

“What, Rhys? We could say you were my cousin, I’m sure he’d understand.”

“Oh. Well, I’d kind of rather not stay somewhere where I’d have to lie. I’m not very good at it.”

I wondered if saying i’m bad at lying counted as a lie - after all, I was lying to all of them about not knowing who they were. 

Gwen looked around.

“Owen? Your flat’s good-sized, isn’t it?”

“Right, because she wants to stay with a ‘dick’.”

“When you put it that way, no, I don’t really.”

Gwen’s gazed swept across the table.

“What about you, Tosh?”

She looked up, startled. 

“What about me?”

“Could Jamie stay with you? Just until we can find a way to get her home?”

“Oh, yeah. I’m sure I could get more data points that way, maybe speed it up. Um, I’ve only got the one bed, but maybe we could get an air mattress for now? I’ve got a spare room upstairs you can have.”

“Don’t worry about getting a mattress - I sleep best on the floor anyway.”

“Oh, well then that’s fine then.”

Gwen looked at Tosh with pity.

She smiled.

“Tosh, why don’t you take the rest of the day off? Go home, get Jamie settled in. We can take care of things here.”

“Are you sure?”

Poor Tosh. I know, strictly speaking, throttling the staff is Jack’s job, but right now…

Gwen put a hand on her arm.

“Go home, Tosh. I’ll clear it with Jack. Come back tomorrow.”


	7. Any Regrets?

Tosh was quiet. 

Quiet as we left the boardroom, quiet as we passed by the lower bit of the water tower sculpture, quiet as we reached the cog door.

She was quiet as we rode the lift up, quiet going through the upper tunnel, quiet going out through the tourist office outer door. 

Quiet - so quiet, it hurt. Because I knew why she was so quiet. Because I knew that Owen was breaking her heart. And he didn’t even care. He didn’t even care - and at that moment, I kind of hated him for it.

I stood it as long as I could - but once we left Mermaid Quay, I couldn’t bear it any longer.

“So Tosh,” I broke in, perky and cheerful even though it wasn’t what I felt. 

“What did it mean, that you found a match between the energy signature of the Rift spike and Owen’s scans of me?”

Inwardly I winced that I’d used Owen’s name, but I couldn’t think of any way to leave it out without it being even MORE awkward.

Seems she was as eager for a distraction from her brooding as I was.

“Well, I guess the biggest thing is, it’s something we’d never noticed before.”

“Really?”

“I’m not sure why, now it seems obvious that there would be some leakage from wherever our Rift gifts come from into our world whenever the Rift opens. But no one’s ever said anything about it.”

She stopped and thought about that.

“Well, I don’t know if NO ONE has ever seen it, Torchwood’s been around a while - but the only one who might know at all would be Ianto. He’s the only one who really knows the archives.”

“So, what could that mean? In practical terms, I mean - you said maybe you could use it to get me home?”

Did I want to get home? Of course I did, of course I wanted to get home to Zack, to Leanna, to Ben… but in the fresh clear Cardiff air (ok, not so fresh and clear, it was drizzling and chilly actually - but it felt so right, reminding me of how boring Los Angeles had been, with its perpetual sunshine and lack of anything resembling weather), it was hard to remember that I did, actually, want to leave.

“Oh, well - there’s still a lot to figure out, but if we can comb through the data, isolate the various energy signatures from the main one coming from the Rift itself, and if Owen can scan the living organisms that have come through…”

She trailed off, staring into space.

I tried one more time.

“Then what?”

“Well,” she was still distracted “if we could correlate the data, then maybe we could… you know…”

She fell silent again, and we just walked.

We walked. 

Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer.

“You know, I loved someone once.”

She startled, drew to a halt.

“I mean, besides Zack.”

Glancing around, I saw that we’d reached her street - not that she knew that I knew that.

She stared at me, her eyes asking me to go on.

“He didn’t really… well, I mean he didn’t flat out tell me to go away, but the truth is, I was nothing to him. I mean, we dated - but he didn’t love me. Didn’t even like me that much, he was just a bit too much of a coward to tell me to go away.”

“I, I don’t understand.”

“He… his heart had been broken when his former girlfriend - a mutual friend of ours, actually - she moved on to someone else without bothering to tell him the relationship was over.”

“That’s horrible!”

I laughed, sadly.

“I talked to her years later, turns out she hadn’t even realized they WERE in a relationship. To her it was just casual sex with a housemate. He wasn’t very good at letting on what he actually felt.”

“So, what happened?”

“With me and Jacob?”

She nodded.

“I was there for him, started sharing life with him. We were both firefighters, he was the sound guy at his church, we had some mutual connections and I started going with him, even ran camera for the worship services. Eventually he invited me to meet his parents for Thanksgiving, and didn’t contradict his brother when he referred to me as his girlfriend. We even talked about getting married. I loved him, and I thought we’d be happy forever.”

She leaned back against the stone wall. I leaned back against the fence around the playground. 

“It didn’t last?”

“No, it didn’t. I wanted it to - for ages I wanted it to. Some people hinted that I ‘didn’t have to settle,’ or suggested that ‘maybe you shouldn’t rush to get married’ if I mentioned being in love with him. Actually, looking back, I don’t think anyone really thought it would be a good relationship, but no one would come out and tell me that how he was treating me wasn’t right. I just thought maybe I wasn’t doing a good enough job loving him and not being annoying.”

“What do you mean?”

“Turns out, he didn’t really like being around me, didn’t want to be with me at all - but he didn’t know how to back out, didn’t know how to say “this isn’t what I want”.”

I ran y hands through my hair. It hurt, more than I thought it would.

“At least, years later he told me he knew i needed something he couldn’t give me, but he was too afraid to say so. So he stayed with me, but tried to push me away.”

I sighed, studied the mulch below. Why did remembering it hurt so much? It was past, forgiven and done with years ago. Except...

“Actually, that’s probably where other me is right now, if I exist in this world. It was just about ten year ago we dated.”

“Do you want me to find out? I could, you know.”

“Yes - no - I don’t know. Sure, it’s probably useful.”

“Can you tell me more?”

I sighed. I thought I’d wanted to, when i started telling her. Only now that I’d started, I didn’t.

“I’ll jot down some of the details for you to look up. I guess I don’t want to go there after all.”

She shrugged and started down the street. Something in her shoulders reminded me why I’d said anything in the first place. 

“It’s just - what I wanted to say…”

I hesitated, but it wasn’t about me anymore. I realized it hurt not because I hadn’t healed, but because she hadn’t. I took a deep breath. She needed someone to tell her what no one had had the courage to tell me.

“I had to get to the point where I could say “I don’t want to be treated this way,” and let myself give him up. We’d already broken up, but I kept hoping and hoping, until one day…”

“What?”

“One day, someone else - a temporary flatmate whose opinion shouldn’t even have mattered - this person said something cruel that hurt me, and I realized - that’s exactly how I felt whenever I was with Jacob. And I decided that even if I had the promise of getting back together that day - if he didn’t change, I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to feel like he made me feel, for the rest of my life.”

“So what happened?”

“I went back to my flat, phoned another friend, asked him a ‘crazy question’ - we’ve been married eight years now.”

I stood up from the fence, and started walking along her street. Tosh followed, a step behind. We crossed the street, and I waited as she unlocked the door to her house.

“Do you love him? Your other friend, i mean?”

“My husband, you mean?”

“Yeah. Do you ever feel like it was settling?”

“You mean because my heart still belonged to someone who couldn’t value it?”

“Yeah.”

It would be so easy to lie, so easy to give the easy happy answer. But Tosh deserved better.  
I sighed.

“Sometimes, it did, yeah. It’s never been easy, or wildly passionate between us. But what we’ve got - it’s good. A lot better than if…”

I stopped. 

“Thank if what?”

“I don’t know.” Suddenly I really didn’t even want to think about it - there was too much new to even begin to think about old regrets. Only they weren’t regrets. I knew there was no scenario where I ended up with Jacob and he didn’t break my heart sooner or later.

And suddenly I was hit with the deepest fear - was I going to break Zack’s heart the same way?

Tosh was staring at me - how long had I been standing there, lost in remembrance?

“Oh, sorry.” I fumbled my hand through my hair.

“So, um, this is your house?”

“Yeah.”

“Well,” I gave a shaky laugh, “lead on, MacDuff.”

So much for using my story to help with hers.

What was I going to do now?


End file.
